I started this blog to create an index of the ups and downs of life as a medical student. After several months of cataloging this lifestyle, the pattern has become clear: about a few days before exam week, I have a melt-down. Not the kind of melt-down that I lay in the middle of my apartment wearing mis-matched socks, smoking cigarettes and twitching. That kind of meltdown sounds fun.
My meltdown usually hits three days before an exam. During the day, I feel fine, perhaps a bit stressed, but nothing out of the usual. No indigestion, sudden fatigue, phantom pain. And then, BAMN, I wake up at 3 a.m., convinced that my life has been little more than total failure. It's a 3 a.m. panic attack of "I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. I'M GOING TO FAIL. AND I'M FAT. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE. AND I'M LONELY. AND I'M NOT COOL. AND I THINK MY SISTER IS MAD AT ME. AND I NEED TO DO MORE YOGA. AND I DIDN'T REPLY TO THAT ONE E-MAIL. AND I NEED TO WASH THE DISHES. AND I'M GOING TO FAIL OUT OF SCHOOL. AND I NEED TO SHAVE MY LEGS."
Somewhere in the background of all the freaking-out, there is a little voice, barely audible, whispering, "
Breathe." But the other voice, the shouting voice, is way louder and easier to listen to. Iron Skillet has referred to this phenomenon as my Witching Hour. Luckily, she's witnessed all the ups and downs, and knows that as soon as exams are over, I'm normal again. I sleep through the night. Yelling voice in my head goes away, and the whispering-breathy voice comes back. And I don't stay awake at 3 a.m., stressed out over the fact that I'm not relaxed.
